This incident occurred when I was in Cambridge for an exchange program during my JC years. Students from many locales were invited to join a Summer Science Program at the University of Cambridge. We were split into groups, and assigned to different professors to complete a 'mini science project'.
My group consisted of 5 members including myself; 2 Singaporeans, 1 Vietnamese, 1 Japanese and 1 American student. We got off to a fine start, each taking turns to bring up ideas we had regarding the science project. However, as the discussion went on, the American student, Jonas, began to voice out his opinion more and more frequently, sometimes even interrupting people in mid-sentence. He mostly made critical comments about other people's ideas, without sparing a thought for other people's feelings. I did not mind constructive criticism, but the way and manner in which he phrased it – "that's a stupid idea", "ridiculous" etc.
I found this behaviour appallingly crass, and couldn't help thinking to myself: "What kind of upbringing did he have? Can't you at least wait until people have finished talking before you speak? Why are you so rude?" Tension in our group started to build, and our members spoke less and less.
Later on, as we took a break for lunch, I decided to confront Jonas about his overly aggressive comments. I asked him why he had to take such an offensive tone and manner when speaking to his peers. He didn't seem to see anything wrong with his behaviour, and explained that that was the way he talked to his classmates back in high school. Through talking to him, I realised that was the way he was moulded; in his society, the ability to speak your mind and assert your ideas in a direct manner was valued.
After explaining to him a little about how Asian cultures tended to take into consideration the situation and the feelings and opinion of others, and suggesting how he could phrase his comments in a more polite and constructive manner, he quickly saw how his behaviour could have offended the rest of the team. Luckily, on explaining a little about his background and apologising for his past behaviour, tensions in the team eased somewhat and or project was completed without a hitch.
This incident really brought to mind the concept of 'independent self' and 'interdependent self' – how situations could have turned ugly without understanding the appropriate behaviour and interaction customs in each situation.
I suppose they have "stand out" as compared to "blend in" like Asians. The American had not realize that his outspoken character was causing the groups members to feel uncomfortable because he was brought up in that way and he was not ware that other cultures are not like that.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this story with us.
ReplyDeleteQuite understand what you feel... I always feel uncomfortable when I was exchange to University of Washington. However, that is their culture and I believe he actually do not want to hurt groups' feeling at all.
I think you could talk to him for such a situation and let him know the difference between cultures. It will be much helpful for him and I believe he will thanks you for doing that.
Hi Jon,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing.
While I agree with Zhi Yan and Kitty that Westerners tend to be more vocal and expressive, I still feel that Jonas was not practicing much tact in his communication with the group.
Instead of the negative comments he gave, he could have been more sensitive and used more encouraging words even when he wasn't totally agreeable on an idea.
An example he could've used would be " That's a relevant proposition, to add on perhaps we could.... "
I'm glad you enlightened him about it, as it not only showed your sensitivity to others, but also I believe that noone had done it before and he might not have known it (seeing how you mentioned he acted this way in his country).
I agree with you that westerners exude a more "independent self" but I feel that neither his society nor his "independent self" is fully to be blamed in him being insensitive to the feelings of others, but rather his lack of understanding of how his behaviour is affecting others.
I believe it's possible to strike a balance between portraying an "independent self", yet remaining sensitive to cultural differences and other individuals. I believe you would concur, seeing the positive change Jonas exhibited after taking your advice. :)
Hey Jon
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with what Renny has mentioned, I was about to discuss more on that point when I read his post.
Even though we all grew up in Singapore, I (have no idea why) have always been cultured in an environment where you should say what you have in mind, and speaking the truth about what you think is valued, especially in my circle of friends. I guess Singaporeans are slightly more varied than the most other Asian countries.
What I want to point out is that even though that is the case I would never say things like "That is a stupid idea". So perhaps in this case on top on having the "independent self" culture, that friend may really need some strong feedback to how he present himself.
It is also good to see that despite him behaving that way, the rest of the group has only elevated to being "tense" and nothing much broke out. It really shows the "interdependent" culture of the other Asian countries, where even if they feel uncomfortable, they try to just "blend the person in". =)